Not with the ladies, but in areas of my life that are only made possible by the lack of significant ladies in my life. I’ve been blazing a sweet trail in my novel and reached the goal I thought I would nail by Christmas, when other things got in the way such as social media and family and stupid family, my goal still remained. The finish line kind of changed.
My goal was to write 50k on my novel by Christmas. Which I’ve just achieved today. I set a reward for myself in the form of Jim Butchers Cold Days. The fourteenth book in a series I have long been dying to read. It was released late November. It’s been idle on my book shelf since my birthday in mid-December. Now it’s time to open it for the first time, relax, and enjoy.
It’s likely I will enjoy the book. I’ve absolutely loved every single book in his series so far. So by history alone it seems like a sure thing. Still, I try to lower the bar as much as I can. Go in reading the book with an open mind, and hopefully I’ll have room to be pleasantly surprised. Often the best things are spontaneous, and completely unexpected. Two of my favourite movies Into the Wild and Scott Pilgrim vs the World I watched essentially completely cold. I have a very simple idea of what the movies were about, and I’d heard they were alright. Into the Wild was about some guy who treks around America. Scott Pilgrim was about evil ex-girlfriends. Both blew me away for different reasons.
For similar reasons I try not to have many expectations on women. If I find myself raising the bar too high, I will take a reality check. Not insult her, but try to clear my mind, be cool, relax and go into the scenario with an open mind. In the past getting too invested has only lead to epic disappointment. Like the bar was hovering over an Abyss, and I not only missed it completely, but have fallen into the endless pit of despair. Well maybe for a couple of weeks or so I have been bummed out.
I haven’t been that way since I was about Nineteen. And I’m continuously developing an emotional resilience which can be good and bad. I don’t want to be too resilient. I’ve put the wall up hard in the past, avoided intimacy with jokes, and held on too tightly to secrets which were hardly secrets. Like I’d lose if I were exposed briefly. I also don’t want to be that sappy lame teenager I have been those years ago.
I’ve seemed to juggle two ends of a spectrum.
First, raw disappointment, I expected too much. And second, closed off to intimacy.
Both are wrong really. I have to remain open while maintaining an emotional resilience, or strength that I can use to keep on keeping on.
When I reach 100k in my novel, or the end (100k seems more likely) I have A Memory of Light by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson to read. The final book in the long Wheel of Time series. Which will be a delicious carrot… or stick, or neutral object.
How do you manage your expectations with the opposing gender? I’m probably just over thinking things, as I usually do.